"The African Aphrodisiac Adventure"
A GH Parody - - Spring 1996

Chapter Eighteen

Lucy has taken PC by storm, kissing every available and unavailable man on her side of town, and has just collapsed at her apartment, suffering from lip fatigue. Never in her most imaginative moments could she have invented this ailment, but facts were facts: Lucy was kissed out.

"I swear, Siggy, if I ever have to kiss another man, it'll be too soon."

Waiting expectantly for the answering quack, Lucy is dismayed to find that her darling duck is gone, and a trail of white feathers indicate foul (or is that fowl?) play.

Forgetting her aching lips, Lucy is frantic. "Siggy?" she screams, as the horrible realization that the duck is gone. The phone rings before she can pick it up.


"Ah, Miss Coe," comes the familiarly accented voice. "I assume that by now, you are aware that your duck is missing."

"Siggy?" she gasps, terrified for her little buddy. Hearing an answering quack from Siggy, she is suddenly enraged. "How dare you ducknap Siggy?? I'll call the police. I'll have you know that I'm a personal friend of the police commissioner, and the mayor, and the Quartermaines, and......"

"Be quiet, Miss Coe, or your beloved duck will be the main course at dinner this evening. Now, listen carefully while I tell you what you must do if you ever want to see Siggy again."

Our master villain gives explicit instructions while Lucy listens. Hanging up the phone, Lucy's face takes on a determined look not unlike that of a mother whose child is threatened.

"I can do this," she mutters. "Frisco has faith in me, Kevin... well, what Kevin doesn't know won't hurt me, Siggy is depending on me. Oh, that evil ducknapper has messed with the wrong woman. Ducknap Siggy, has he? He'll rue the day he ever took my little Siggy. That man will pay!!! And, if he hurts so much as a feather on Sigmund's precious little body, well, that will be the last thing he ever hurts. It might just be, anyhow. Mess with my duck?? OOOHHH!!!!" Hmmmmmm

"Oh, why did I let Laura and Simone out of jail?" asks Garcia who has just been stopped by Mac, who except for the temporary insanity demonstrated by his affair with Kat seems to be back to normal. "Uh, that's a good question, one that I've been asking myself a lot here lately."

Garcia is obviously stalling, and we see a furtive gleam in his eyes. (It's amazing how the slightest lift of the eyebrow accompanied by a sideways shift of the aforementioned eyes indicates shifty behavior, but we ever vigilant viewers catch this slight nuance of the actor's expression, clued in as we are by a camera closeup.) "Uh, I knew that there was something strange about this entire situation, and I figured that letting them go would allow us to follow them to their cohorts."

That sounded good for openers, and Garcia decided to elaborate on the theme. "Yes. And, then, to make them comfortable, I left town so that they'd think that I thought that they were really innocent." Garcia gives Mac a grin that says 'and you believe me, don't you?'.

But, Mac, no slouch in the lying department himself, recognizes a real clinker when he hears one, and answers in kind. "Good work, mate. Now, if you'll just fill out the paperwork on their release, along with these forms for your vacation, along with an update on your insurance and name the beneficiary on your policy, you can get back to work."

Garcia's eyes widen at the stack of papers Mac hands him. "I'll take then home with me."

"No," Mac counters. "You'll do them now, or be suspended without pay for six months for being absent without leave."

"I quit!" Garcia sputters. And then, he says the words we've all longed to say at one time or another. "Take this job and shove it, I don't work here anymore!!!"

With that, he turns and stomps from the office, while Mac eyes his departure suspiciously.

"Follow Garcia," he barks into a telephone. "I want to know everything he does, everyone he talks to, everything there is to know about him. Oh, I'll get to the bottom of this," Mac vows. "There's something strange about Garcia, and I'll find out what it is." Hmmmmmmmmmm

"You see," says Eva de Struxion, aka Damian Smith, formerly dead guy, now cross-dressing mugger. "Piece of cake. Poor guy never knew what hit him. A sucker for blondes, what did I tell you?"

"But the Port Charles Hotel to stay in?" wonders Giselle du Bois, aka Ryan Chamberlain, also formerly dead guy and pediatrician with a penchant for murdering blondes. "Isn't this a bit obvious?"

"Of course not," Damian answers, peeling off his wig and tossing it to one side. "Everybody but Lucy thinks that we are dead, and after we kill her, no problem."

"But what if she's already told somebody?"

"We kill them, too. No brainer."

"That's what I like about you, Damian. You cut right to the heart of the matter."

"Exactly. I learned from the best."

While this mutual admiration society flourishes, Kevin is wondering where Lucy has gone. Has she been kidnapped by Damian and Ryan, or has she gone shopping? Either possibility might have dire consequences, but, then he remembers that she's been kissing lots of men. Could she have found somebody else?

Staggered by this thought, Kevin sinks to the couch, his mind on overload. Then, his defensive, analytical doctor side kicked in, and he began to wonder if she was telling him in a less than subtle manner that she was falling out of love with him. Maybe the reference to Ryan and Damian was an attempt to tell him that he wasn't as exciting as his serial murdering twin or a mobster. Could Lucy have gone looking for another man?? Was she really auditioning for a good kisser??

Suddenly, Kevin is having a mid-life crisis a little early, and he's seized with the urge to buy a red sports car and date twenty-one-year-old blondes. He stand up, brushes himself off, and heads out the door, humming car commercials. Hmmmmmmmmmm

Stay tuned!!! Will Lucy be able to save Siggy from Faison's French chef?? Will Faison manage to seduce Lucy with promises of money and power?? Is Lucy a match for the diabolical schemer holding the duck hostage?? Where did Garcia go when he left Mac's office?? Will Ryan be able to resist killing Eva as it's been so long since he's killed a blonde?? How long can Eva and Giselle live at the PC hotel without raising suspicions?? How much longer can I go on writing this soap?? Hmmmmmmmm